I’m so tired.

Timeline

Every year since the start of this decade I’ve done a New Year’s retrospective. I usually spend a good five paragraphs just going over all the notable stuff I’ve done over the year. To make things simpler this year I’m just gonna go month by month.

January

At the start of January I was still in the Philippines, celebrating New Year’s with my dad’s side of the family in Quezon City. I got back to LA about two weeks later and immediately had my partner meet me and drive us to San Jose for Further Confusion, the first FC since the start of the pandemic.

February

LVL UP Expo was the biggest thing this month. Between volunteering over 30 hours over four days and managing the LVFC booth, this was a hectic weekend.

March

Mid-March was Texas Furry Fiesta, our first in the new location. The last time we had gone was the week before the start of the pandemic. Violet and I took the DART and I was astounded by how many empty fields we passed by before hitting downtown Dallas.

April

This was the big event, the thing that me and my friends had been planning for months and the thing that gave me purpose: Las Vegas Fur Con. There’s a lot I could say about LVFC, but I should probably save that for a different blog post. Before that, however, my girlfriend had to go back to San Jose.

May

In May we visited San Jose. Also around this time one of my two dogs died suddenly, which…yeah. We still don’t know what happened, but we’ve been spoiling our remaining dog ever since. He turned 15 in August 2023.

June

Went to Reno for a week for job training. Also went to Pittsburgh for Anthrocon.

July

After getting back from Anthrocon, my partner and I moved out of my parents’ house to an apartment by UNLV, just in time for Math summer class.

August

DEF CON and went back to Reno job training for two weeks. Took the time to also fully tour UNR, something I never got around to doing as a high school senior. I finally understood why UNLV has always complained about a lack of funding compared with the north.

September

Started class. 3D printed my first model. Went to San Jose again. Went to a bowling furmeet

October

Got back into sourdough baking. Went to my first Ren Faire. Started work on a fursuit head.

November

Went to an ice skating furmeet. Watched the city shut down for Formula One.

December

Got caught up in a f**king school shooting halfway through study week at UNLV. Went toSan Jose for a third time. Attended a friend’s graduation. Spent Christmas with my sister at the family house.

Reflection

This is my fourth blog post. I’ve always intended to do more. I’ve also intended to do more art, more writing, more…everything. I’ve been wanting to do more creative stuff for years, but by the end of the year I’m always disappointed with how little I’ve actually done.

I’ve spent the last few months in a trance: get up, go to school, go home, maybe go to work. Repeat ad naseum. Even when I know there’s stuff I can and should do, whether it be clean the apartment or work on a drawing, I can never bring myself to do so. I’m always tired, always unmotivated, always numb. Nothing is fulfilling; even watching YouTube videos won’t give me the dopamine I need. Everything is too boring.

I’m still procrastinating on schoolwork, but this is the first semester maybe since the beginning of the decade where I’ve actually passed all my classes without repeats. That’s progress, I guess. All my peers are or have graduated and I feel so behind. The fellow students left are years younger than I am. People are passing by me and I know I should be farther in life than this.

Back around August I formally stepped down from the LVFC Co-Chair position because I felt frustrated over the 21+ restriction. The reason I wanted to start a con in the first place was because I hated how there was nothing to do in this town for people under 21, so aside from extreme frustration over the restriction, I kind of just lost interest. Honestly, my mental health has been a lot better ever since then, but without the con I feel like I lost my sense of purpose, and I don’t have the energy to create a new one.

The last few months I’ve just felt extremely tired and bored. I’m still in school, still desperately wishing I could be closer to a loved one, still so far away from making any real difference. Any goal I could make is either intangible or unattainable. I’m stuck in the same place I’ve been since the start of the 20s.

And in the meantime I’m just getting older.

If there’s a such thing as a mid-20’s crisis, I’m having one right now.

I’m tired.